I Don’t Know If I’ll Be Alright…

Yesterday I spent most of the day doing a whole lot of nothing because last week was both draining physically and mentally; and to be honest – emotionally too.  If you’ve been reading my posts, you know that I also started the homeschool journey with my 6 year old son.  The same week, my husband went back to work after being off since February from having surgery and rehabbing.  We were all getting back into a schedule and acclimating to our old-new normal.  I got up to cook yesterday evening around 4, my daughter’s favorite; chicken spaghetti.  There is Fettuccini Alfredo and then there is chicken spaghetti.  She likes them both, but my chicken spaghetti is only second to my lasagna.

I was standing at the counter slicing hot chicken to add to my cream of mushroom, cream of chicken, rotel, and sliced mushroom mixture. (Can you picture it yet?). We were just conversing and she was saying how she loves my chicken spaghetti, something she does almost every time I cook it.  We started to talk about other things as well, school and where her friends were thinking of going to college, etc.  It hit me like a ton of bricks,  my daughter is graduating in less than a year from high school.  Yes, I know I discussed this before but I thought what if she decides to go away for school?  I’m that worrying mom.  I’m the mom that makes her daughter text pictures with her text to let me know she makes it to her destination.  I hate to be that way because I ran the streets like Usain Bolt when I was her age.  However, things were quite different when I was her age too.  I was either with my besties from church, my bestie from almost birth, or my brother.  Now, by the time I was her age I did have a boyfriend and she does too…I married my boyfriend from then.  I say this to say, if she changes her mind to not stay home for school, I may follow her to college.  I think I will be too worried about her safety and whether she made it to her destination and back.  I watch too many real crime shows where the college co-ed doesn’t make it home.

I want her to go out and experience life.  I do and I don’t want to keep her in a bubble.  I would like for her to see the world and experience life.  I don’t want her to follow my path.  There is nothing wrong with my path because it was mine to take.  I want her to have fun, finish school, establish herself and allow everything to fall into place once that is done.  If a detour comes, I’m going to be there every step of the way because that it was a good parent is supposed to do.  Support, love and care for their children under any and all circumstances.  I’ve seen people support their children when they’ve done wrong and wondered how can you still support him/her? This was before I had a child of my own, and now that I have my own children – I understand.  As a parent you love them unconditionally, but you can still stand against what they do and let them know they have to “stand accused.”  I pray daily that I am raising my children right and I will never be in that position.  I pray that when I fuss at my daughter about something she knows she should have done she will not resent me.  I pray that my children understand when I talk to them in my “mom voice” and take their things away when need be, I still love them unconditionally.  So no, I don’t know if I will be alright.  Who knew that 17 years would fly by so quickly?  I have regrets along those 17 years; I regret that I didn’t put her in dance as a young girl as much as I loved it.  I asked her, she said no and I left it at that.  We were talking the other day and she tells me, “I wish you would have put me in dance when I was younger.”  I regret not listening to myself and just doing it.  I hope she will not change her mind and stay home at our local university.  She can stay home, in her room, eat as much chicken spaghetti as she would like, with more freedom than she has now, and give her mom just a little more time.

To any parents reading this, time is the most precious thing we possess. One minute they’re in diapers and before you know it you are filling out college applications and crying yourself to sleep. Enjoy the time, all the time you can with your children and never take it for granted especially when they’re little because they really like you then. Once the hormones kick in, there are good and bad days and you never know what day is a good day. Will I be alright? Only time will tell…

Published by Wife Woman Mother

Wonderfully created wife, woman and mother of two who can never find an extra 4 hours in a day to get those things accomplished that I didn't get done throughout the day. I am working on making the most of the 24 hours I do get every day and sipping as much coffee as I can while doing it

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