I am in a gang. A notorious gang. One that has crossed international borders and consists of millions of members. We don’t traffic in any illegal substances, the only drugs we push are vitamins and the remedy for the common cold and flu on occasion. As one of the leaders of said gang – I DON’T RUN ANYTHING…the lackeys do, also known as “the children!” If you think about motherhood, it is simply a gang. Orders are given, sometimes they are accepted and sometimes they are ignored, no one gets whacked, but the leader eventually wants a new identity and witness protection. I realized the ruthlessness of my gang today after 5 months of quarantine with them and almost 17 years of running this show. I stood in the shower, I couldn’t cry, couldn’t scream, all I could do was stand there and hold myself up against the tiles while letting the water beat the crap out of me. I literally had to water board myself! It is crazy that your children have driven you to the point of self torture!
Make no mistake; I love my children and I want to spend as much time with them as I can, but I really started losing it today and my daughter goes, “You need a spa day!” No honey, I need a weekend away, by myself, where I can lay in a bed and order room service and not answer to the word “MOMMY!” Once upon a time, we’ll say January and February 2020 B.C (Before Covid) my children would get up in the mornings and get dressed and go to a place called school. Those 8 hours were mine! I could peacefully get things accomplished, I could carve out time for myself, my grocery bill was significantly cheaper, and I was supposed to be less stressed when we moved back home – not more. After months of living in around 800 square feet while our home was ‘flood renovated” I was ready to pull out my hair and take a long walk off a short pier. Quarantine with the “Dos Loco Martins” has me feeling a different kind of crazy. Most days it’s welcome to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, the dog is Nurse Ratchet and the inmates are running the asylum.
Have you ever seen the movie, Analyze This with Robert De Niro? I’m like his character in the movie in the gang I run. I am not ruthless like Paul Vitti, but you may find me having an anxiety attack, crying for no reason, and generally having a hard time. Unlike De Niro’s character, I am not afraid to talk to my doctor and I may need a slight increase on my anxiety medication dosage. My gang is probably similar to your gang if you are reading this. They wake up everyday with a point to prove: she thinks she is the leader of this merry band of misfits, but boy is she mistaken. Regardless of my anxiety and my desire to run, my band of misfits are also my reasons I keep going, I don’t give up, and why I don’t run! My tears and anxiety are temporary and so are my children’s childhoods.
On a serious note, I can talk about my anxiety and how and what makes me feel the way I do because I regularly pray, meditate, and speak with healthcare professionals. If you know of anyone in trouble or in need of professional help, please encourage them to get the help they need. 💋💋