I have been married for 14 1/2 years. I have been with the same man for the past 20 years. Intimacy is something we strive to keep going, but how do you do that after all the years and all the responsibilities? Someone is working, someone is busy, the kids need this, you want to get away but it is damn near impossible. There are a laundry list of things that can inhibit intimacy in a relationship. When I say intimacy, I don’t just mean – the act of sex, sex is merely a medium of intimacy. Sex is just sex if there is no love, no intimacy, no feeling of “oneness” when it actually happens. It is just a water hose bringing forth water to a garden – something needed at the moment.
Yes, we all know the the art of lovemaking can be completely sublime, but there is more to it than that. Sex is an intimate way of expressing oneself, but it is not intimacy…let’s talk. It can be the most intimate and glorious expression of love that you share with someone, but it has become a tool for some to demand proof of love, and for others to give in hopes that love will be returned. Yes, there will be those feelings of euphoria, delight, elation, joy, all the good feelings from the feel good hormones our bodies are producing, but if those feelings fade and love never comes into play…what then?
That last paragraph was an ode to the single people reading this, the engaged people, and those who may be in a purely “physical thing” type of situation. It is my belief that every time you are in a physical relationship with someone, you share a piece of yourself, your soul, something not everyone gets to get a glimpse of. You also take in something from the person with whom you are sharing that with. A transference of energy of sorts. You have to be very careful with whom you share and receive energy with because not all energy is good energy…you feel me?
Now, let me address my married readers. The one’s who have experienced the ebbs and flows of the “married with kids and responsibilities” stage. You know what I’m talking about – don’t play like you don’t. Especially if you have as much time in as I do. That honeymoon phase is over, but it shows up every once and a while and gets you all excited. Then, you’ve planned a “special night,” but one of the kids get sick. They decide to stay up late because they know “you have plans.” You are now forced to plan getaways – which I love to do, you have to work around schedules, responsibilities, and whatever else life throws at you.
How do you keep things EXCITING?? First of all, no one wants the monotonous routine right? We want to keep it fun and exciting like it was in the beginning! That is going to take effort from both partners to make that work. Can you still surprise your spouse? Can you walk up and whisper something that will make them blush? Will it make you blush just saying it? I’m telling you; you have to make the ordinary – extraordinary! Routine is fine, it gets the job done, but sometimes we all want more than routine. If you are not dating your spouse, it is time to start. Remember how things were exciting and unpredictable when you were dating? Holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes. You would sneak kisses and chase each other around like little kids. Get it back by going to where it started. You can do that literally and/or figuratively. Don’t allow your marriage to become a place where boredom resides, but where all the fun happens.
What else can you do to keep it spicy? Surprise your partner. Tell them that you have plans, don’t give any specifics, and make it the most unforgettable night they will ever experience. I’m thinking candles, roses, couples massages, champagne, and some delectable treats. Surprises are a perfect spice in the marriage pot, if done correctly. Leave notes and send text messages reminding them about the upcoming surprise without giving it away, but to keep building the anticipation. You can hint at all kind of things of what it possibly could be, but keep that anticipation high so when they do get their “surprise” things are hot and smoking!
Finally, always let your partner know what you like. Using your voice is critical in a relationship, and it is equally important when it comes to being physical with your partner. Let them know what turns you on, what feels incredible, what you like and don’t like. Being vocal lets your partner know that you are enjoying yourself, it increases their enjoyment, and takes your pleasure to an elevated position. Enjoy one another, learn each other’s body, and things can only get better from there. Communicating with your spouse, yes – even during the most intimate time is necessary because it reassures them that what is happening is very fulfilling. When something is not fulfilling to you, do you find yourself wanting to do it or doing it at all? Hmmm….??
While intimacy isn’t solely about sex, it is a component of it. Knowing your partner, having the ability to keep things fresh, and having the willingness to work to keep it fresh it very important. Compassion in guiding your partner to where you want to be in your intimacy, what you want to adjust, and how to gently guide them in the right direction – literally if you must. Do not get annoyed with your partner, communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE! Actually talking with your partner is the most important component of intimacy that you will encounter. Conversations resolves things and moves them forward if they are done correctly. So again, be compassionate, accept constructive criticism if you are giving it, and most importantly, KEEP ENJOYING EACH OTHER!