January…Trial Month

January, the first month of the year, the month of renewal for most because of the New Year and resolutions, and the month of my birth. In 2018, that first month of the year seemed to go on FOREVER, there seemed to be around 77 days in that one month. It was so long, everyone in the social media universe realized it and memes ran rampant throughout the Twitterverse,  Facebook, and Instagram. However, this year it rode a G5 from the 1st to now. Time has passed so fast until I haven’t had time to organize my thoughts or even complete a sentence it seems because the month has basically said, “No Ma’am!”.  I have come to the conclusion that I may be suffering from the “holiday flu.”

What is the holiday flu you ask? It’s that hangover you got in college that took days to go away except this is not an ailment from drinking, but from all the family and friends, holiday parties, cooking, taking the kids to their functions, my husband being on vacation the last 3 weeks of December and the first 2 weeks of January, not enough sleep type of ailment. I had big plans for January but I had to call in sick for the entire month! I’ve only successfully managed to keep the kids alive, feed them, get them to school daily, keep them clean, manage the household, take them to orthodontist and doctor appointments and spend a great deal of time on the phone passionately discussing with insurance about things that were already being done…but hey, it’s a new year and a new deductible!  A proper date night has yet to be arranged with my husband, I haven’t set monthly goals, hell – my tree is still up and fully decorated.

So, January you were my trial month to see if 2019 would be a successful year and as rough and rocky as our relationship started – I see big things happening from here on out. In short, 2019 I have decided to stay and not skip ahead to 2020…as if I had a choice. CONTINUITY is the word for the year and it means the unbroken and consistent existence or operation of something over a period of time. There will be a continuous flow of progression throughout this year and beyond, but for now I’m just trying to survive January.

Stepping out on Faith!

20150510_135641So, I’ve decided I’m starting a magazine. I’m meditating and praying for guidance.   This is not only for me, but it’s for my family and many other families out there looking for guidance, information, and a little entertainment. I’m hoping to have a Oct. / Nov. Issue at the latest…we’ll see where the Lord is leading me. Faith is how I roll, and I’m channeling my God like faith and putting my faith where my mouth is.  This is something my pastor recently preached on and it’s sticking with me for a reason.  I’m stepping out on faith to do what’s best for me and my family.

Is there something holding me back?

Life is a brief intermission between birth and death, enjoy it.

I have experienced a lot of loss this past 7 months and each situation I have handled in a different way.

The death that hit me the hardest was the death of my father. We knew he was sick, but we didn’t know the extent of the situation until he stopped talking, developed that far away stare,and stopped eating. I received the call around 6 am January 11th and although I wasn’t expecting it, I knew it would come.  I cried that moment, but I didn’t cry again about it,  I haven’t been to the cemetery since the day of the funeral, I haven’t cried about it since that day, and I feel like something is wrong with me because I haven’t mourned him like I should. Is is because I knew he was suffering and my prayer had been that once he began to suffer, I asked God to take his suffering – even if that meant taking him too. I didn’t want to see him suffer, knowing that my mom was his primary caretaker and it was taking a toll on her as well. Hopefully soon I will get the nerve to visit his resting place and actually get that cleansing cry that I need, but I know that it will be something that I have to do alone.

Left:Daddy with his great-nieces and his granddaughter

Insomnia

Here I sit, headphones on, Sade telling me I know her better than that…she’ll be there by my side. Well Sade, I’m here alone with no one but myself because unlike everyone else I’m awake! That is not your fault Sade, but you make being awake a little more bearable.  I’m resting in the good ole’ recliner because I am in my 5th week of a 12 week non-weight bearing tibial plateau fracture which sucks. I was supposed to be days away from a beautiful beach vacation with my wonderful husband, my two beautiful children, and my lovely mother who has been great with staying with us cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children. Unfortunately accidents happen and they keep you from taking those precious moments to frolic in  the ocean and pack on unexpected bills that currently sit neatly on the table beside me. It’s been an adventure that’s for sure. I had a surgery that I wouldn’t be able to recall but I can see the scars. I think I have taken so much powerful medicine that the insomnia medicine doesn’t even work anymore! I know this much, I cannot wait until I have two good legs to walk on and I can enjoy my family.